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  • Writer's pictureThe Improper Grandma

"Recipe for a Proper Grandma"

Updated: Jan 29, 2021

So Shaney, you may ask, (that’s ‘Shane’ with a Y… long A) what exactly is a “proper Grandma”?

My friends, a proper Grandma is just that…proper in every way. Maybe it will ring true with some, as we were blessed with these mythical beings in our own youth. The woman perspires with etiquette! You will never find her without lipstick freshly applied; her signature hairstyle neatly groomed and pinned. Nay is the day she isn’t coordinated head-to-toe, her clothes impeccably pressed, not a run in her hosiery nor a smudge on her shoes. Since needs far exceed wants in her world, only practical eye glasses are worn to get on with her good-day’s and good-do’s.

So on, a proper Grandma knows that company is to be accommodated at a moment’s notice. Pennies bounce off prim bedsheets and flowers crown every room. The light shines differently at proper Grandma’s. Freshly baked goods decorate the kitchen table; a staple in her house. The smell of her homemade vanilla lingers in the air like an invisible haze of serotonin- her secret to those joyful giggles and sparkling memories. Every glimpse of a tiny hand reaching for more with a mischievous glance (as if to test their own newly discovered powers of persuasion) are cherished as her grandbabies leave nothing but crumbs. Alas, forever-more goods to bake!

Far exceeding the abilities of a mere parent, the proper Grandma swiftly cares for her children’s children on school days, sick days or otherwise, no matter the day’s commitments. Knowing such preparations as a warm meal and “F-U-N” overbear the daily capabilities of a parent, proper Grandma bats a confident twinkling eye at such simple feats. Her powers mend broken hearts with the gentle wipe of a tear, warm kiss to the forehead, and loving swipe of the credit card.

Eventually she and her grandbabies know the escort will inevitably arrive after successfully sieving all the nuggets of laughter, adventure, and good behavior from the day. If only her little’s could stay forever, sleeping soundly through the night like sweet perfect angels for Grandma. *reflectively sips coffee*

The Grandma Code of Conduct smiles upon the proper Grandma as she tends to her manicured social circle’s weekly callings and is a pillar of church and community. Her steadfast belief in the Power she knows as the VERY ONLY that outweighs her own, guides her every decision. Like a proud shepherd, she instills these idyllic practices in the lambs and the sheep of her flock. Every Sunday, said flock ritually gathers for her hosting of the Sunday meal - No help is needed, no help is helpful. She guilds a picturesque roast with golden gravy and three perfected forms of potato as requested; the recipes unknowable and impossibly recreate-able. As family feasts on the prize of her labor, the proper Grandma carefully monitors her table for poor manners, low juice cups and emptied plates for refilling. She’ll ensure a tidy kitchen before plating herself, just as her guests’ talk of full bellies and sing satisfied praise. Never mind her own warm meal and rumbling stomach- she swiftly shifts her attention to serving her glorified dessert. Never keep company waiting. Spit spot!

As it goes, I Shaney, have reason to believe that a past-life prerequisite to proper Grand-mothering may be plate-spinning, while balancing on a ball in powder blue kitten heels. Am I right?! Needlessly said, she is every grandchild’s wishes and dreams come true and every parent’s love/hate relationship. Though the proper Grandma does exist, I was not a plate-spinner in a past life, if my hair is groomed and pinned it may be cause for concern, and all the other shit… well, it’ll buff out in the end.

Let’s be frank, it is simply more upstanding to be like me: The Improper Grandma.


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